Yerevan Unveils Serial Killer-Friendly Location
June 25, 2010 1 Comment
Quite recently Yerevan authorities finished the construction of Armenia’s biggest underground parking lot. Prior to opening Mayor Gagik Beglaryan said a brainstorming will be held to choose which of the 3 price options will please car owners most 50, 100 or 200 AMD per hour. After some intellectual blizzards and cerebral whirlwinds the 200 AMD option was chosen to be most suitable for citizens. Yet the main stakeholder of the new parking lot turned out to be “AGA” NGO.
AGA (Assassin Guild of Armenia) is a non governmental, but very-much-for-profit organization, formed in mid 90s to bring professionalism, discipline and productivity to serial killer business, which was hugely disorganized before. AGA spokesman Lavrik Hitmanyan did not hide his excitement about the new parking lot opening: “Finally a good, convenient location, where we can do our work professionally, without distractions and witnesses.”
Lack of killer-friendly location in Armenia not only decreased the number of murders in the country, but also dramatically increased the price of “booking” a person. Hitmanyan vows the prices will go down now, while quality of work will increase. “It’s not just the professional killers who benefit. We now have better facilities to set explosives in vehicles, convenient mugging options for late visitors and heated, well-lit areas for rapists” – continued Hitmanyan.
While it is quite possible that an average Armenian family will now be able to afford services of a professional assassin, the killers themselves are seeking for training. ” One of the disappointing results of Soviet regime is that we are not trained to work in huge underground parking lots. It’s one thing to see it in movies and a completely different thing to try and do it. I remember as a young man watching Sylvester Stallone’s Cobra where I saw a serial killer working in a parking lot. There were many other movies with parking lot murder scenes, but that one inspired me most. But we seriously need a specialist to train us.” – explained the 45 year old professional, who wished to remain anonymous.
“AGA” NGO seeks for highly qualified assassination specialists with significant experience of working in parking lots to organize short-term, detail oriented, on sight training sessions. For uncertain reasons Career Center refused to publish the announcement so applicants should send their CV’s and related newspaper stories to firstname.lastname@example.org