iSexuals Demand iPhone Marriages
June 9, 2010 Leave a comment
Boston, Massachusetts – After Steve Jobs, guru of the Apple world, unveiled the new iPhone 4, Massachusetts legislators are seriously considering amendments to marriage legislation. Despite of some controversy Massachusetts was among the first US states to permit gay marriages, and now the state’s public demands to bring liberalism of marriage laws to a new level.
“The time has come!” says Garry LeFleur, head of the iSexual Union – “the new iPhone 4 is just too sexy to resist, it has that slick design, that smooth glass body, I don’t see why someone should not marry it.” iSexual Union was formed in 2007, by a group of Mac users who could not find a girlfriend. The movement expanded when one of the founding members published a book called “My iPhone and I Have a Dirty Little Secret”. The author later confessed he wrote the entire book wearing nothing but white earphones. More and more teenagers tried to get intimate with an iPhones after Boston iSexual Pride Parade of 2009, some suffered severe genitalia injuries, others very much succeeded.
“It is a severe state of objectophilia, state of sexual and emotional desire towards particular inanimate objects. I think it is important for iSexuals to realize that there is no way they can have a sexual intercourse with the new iPhone. For God’s sake it only has a hole for a 3.5mm headphone jack … even the Chinese penis is not that small” – warns Martin Thompson, practicing psychotherapist in Boston, MA.
“As we know the new iPhone display has the highest resolution. Certainly no girl has such high resolution face. And with the new multitasking feature we can have sex in 4 different positions without losing battery power. And it’s small and thin, you can be intimate even at work, right in the office, I assure you no-one will know” – argues LeFleur.
Governor of Massachusetts, Deval Patricks met the delegation of iSexuals this morning to discuss the suggested legislative changes. Among the demands is to permit iPad marriages as well, since the more obese iSexuals cannot possibly get intimate with an iPhone. iSexuals also demand for looser divorce regulations so that when an iPhone 5 comes out the old iPhone would not get half of their assets.
“I don’t see why we shouldn’t permit such marriages. America is about freedom of choice, family values, civil liberties and damn good smartphones. I can’t look in the eyes of an iSexual and say you are not having a family with your phone, but your neighbors Josh and Steve are.” says Governor Patricks. “…and Barack Obama and me are not brothers” – added the Governor on an unrelated note.
While legislation amendments are pending the iTunes AppStore already has a new application, which will be available for download the minute legislation is passed. It is a one of a kind digital wedding ring, once downloaded it symbolizes the eternal bond between an iSexual and his beloved better half – the iPhone 4.