Azerbaijan Celebrates 10,000th Threat to Attack Armenia
January 15, 2010 10 Comments
Azerbaijan, Baku – A festive ceremony involving President Ilham Aliev and key government officials featured a long-expected speech by leader of the country. A landmark threat to wipe out Armenian forces from Karabakh was attended by representatives of international organizations, embassies and reporters.
The State Statistical Service of Azerbaijan had predicted the landmark 10,000th threat to take place by end of 2010, however extra effort on part of the government pushed the date closer. Surrounded by excited officials, as well as invited Guinness book experts, Aliev swiftly took his stand by the tribune.
“We are gathered here today to celebrate one of the most important milestones in the history of Azerbaijan. Today I am going to voice my 10,000th threat to use force against the occupant forces of Armenia”, said Aliev in an unusually motivated tone.
“I remember my first threat back in 2003 as I assumed the office… Nothing compares to a first threat.. incredible feeling”, Aliev looked down for a second, shaking his head nostalgically. “
“Proudly, I stand here before you today with 9,999 publicly announced threats, over 5,000 ultimatums and countless nags at Armenia behind my back”, continued Aliev as the crowd ripped in applauds at each announced number.
“Attained results are stunning. The previous threats have scared Armenia so much, that they were forced to modernize their army and build up heavier front-lines. No doubt, another 4 or 5 thousand elaborated threats and Armenian army will be forced to surrender Karabakh. Another 7-9 thousand more threats and Zangezur will be ours!”
After some 5 minutes of introductory suspense Aliev eventually unveiled the hard-boiled message. Slapping his fist on the table Aliev frowned heavily, almost zipping eyelids in anger and said: “Seriously, Armenians, leave Karabakh. I’m super serious. Leave it, OTHERWISE,” the crowd froze in awe, as Aliev raised his pointer finger in a two-minute additional suspense “we promise to use force!”
Aliev’s speech was immediately released on TV and other media. Azerbaijani politicians flooded press with comments on the unprecedented tough message of the leader to Armenia.
Baku Times called the landmark threat “nation’s biggest success after the 5,000th threat back of 2006” which marked a turning point in threat development and announcement efforts.
Political analyst Yusuf Bakiev from “Yusuf Bakiev” Foundation comments on the speech as extremely impressive. “This year’s speech is frankly much spicier than anything I heard before. I think we are just a few threats away from liberating Karabakh from the infidel assholes. I mean, let’s be reasonable, 10,000 threats could not go without an impact. It’s simple physics – energy like that doesn’t just vanish, it kicks ass. In this case, Aliev totally kicked Armenian ass”, explained Azerbaijani top expert.
French Ambassador to Azerbaijan, Andre Maginot, who participated in the event, shared emotions of the landmark threat ceremony: “This was huge! Amazing threat.. and the frown and.. and the slap on the table. A masterpiece of intimidation. Armenians need to make a sane decision now. I mean, we would definitely surrender. In fact.. we might still surrender ourselves, just in case.”
Armenian Ministry of Foreign Affairs could not provide any comments on the landmark threat. “Unfortunately, we do not watch Azerbaijani TV, so we can’t provide any comments,” said Ministry spokesman to ArmCom.