More Jews = Better Economy: New Government Anti-Crisis Strategy
October 3, 2009 1 Comment
Minister of Economy Nerses Yeritsyan unveiled Ministry plans to boost economy in 2010 by bringing large numbers of Jews into Armenia. This was presented as a part of large-scale action plan to reverse negative economic tendency caused by global economic crisis.
“Economy is like a box of chocolates,” Yeritsyan explained to reporters. “You never know what chocolate you’re gonna pick. We picked the free market chocolate and apparently it’s the kind of chocolate that leads to economic crisis. At least this is what our major experts argue,” concluded the minister.
The new plan of the ministry to improve economy draws on the proven theory that Jews tend to accumulate financial wealth. The plan puts this quality into favorable Armenian prospect.
The government has already allotted 3 million dollars to build lodging for over 11 thousand probational Jews that will be implanted in different marzes of Armenia and Yerevan.
Minister of Territorial Administration Gevorg Armenyan explained the mechanics of the program: “The economic rehabilitation program envisages to install one thousand Jews per region including Yerevan. We expect that each Jew community will generate some 20 -30% increase in local budgets which will develop later on.”
The minister brought the example of Europe claiming that countries with large Jewish communities have always been wealthier. “On the other hand, German budget was totally empty in 1945 as there were no Jews left in-country. Just a coincidence? I don’t think so,” said Armenyan. “Also, I think economy is like sex – you need to throw in new toys every now and then to keep the sparkle,” added the minister.
George Soros commented on Armenian Government decision calling it wise and “damn logical”. “Armenian authorities are guided by crystal clear economic logic – Jews >> money >> more Jews >> more money. Just brilliant! I can’t believe I didn’t think of this before..”
Head of Central Bank of Armenia, Stepan Bankyan slapped his forehead in excitement as the new strategy was unveiled: “I can’t believe I didn’t think of it first. If we manage to secure at least 0.01 Jew per capita here, we’ll be able to uphold the banking system as well.” The banker stressed that Yerevan should get majority of Jews as the capital and host of 50% of Armenian population. “We need the control package of Jews in the capital to sustain financial stability and budget performance,” said Bankyan.
“Finance is like a box of candies,” elaborated the banker. “You never know whether you’ll have to chew or suck on it till you open the cover. We just pulled the wrong candy and now… Well, I really hope Jews will be delivered soon,” said Bankyan.
Jewish reaction followed immediately in form of official letter from Israeli Prime Minister to Armenian Government which stated: “We regret to inform that as much as we would like to help Armenia overcome budget crisis, we do not dispose enough Jews in Israel itself. In fact, we are pretty short on Jews ourselves and.. I’m afraid we’re calling back Jewish communities from around the world including the small Jewish community from Yerevan. Both of them will be back in Jerusalem by end of the year.”
Affected by discouraging news, Armenian oligarchs vowed to drag in a few Jews and create a reproduction-friendly habitat with a view for the future financial sustainability. Many political parties also included a section in their platforms on “Mechanisms of upjewing the economy and financial sector.”