HSBC Commits to Stop Treating Armenians like Monkeys From 2020

By Sergey

HSBC vows to transform to non-asshole policy within a decade

YEREVAN, Armenia – A brief press conference by HSBC in Yerevan unveiled an optimistic forecast on the bank’s plans to improve services by 2020. HSBC’s new CEO Astrik Cliffold made the long-expected announcement to Armenian media: “We are now working on reforms which will allow us to stop treating citizens of Armenia like monkeys in the near future. We hope you understand that it gives us no pleasure to treat people like monkeys in the 21st century.. It is simply a technical issue which we strive to resolve by 2020.”

Al-Qaeda on Strike

by Narek

Terrorists demand social justice

Al-Qaeda employees organized a chain of strikes near organization’s head offices around the world, with biggest strikes being in Kabul – Afghanistan, Khartoum – Sudan, Riyadh – Saudi Arabia and Portland – USA. Low and mid level terrorists on strike demand social benefits, vacation days, trainings and salary increases. “I don’t see why we should be treated any different than an employee of say umm…corn flakes factory. We go to work every morning, very often we stay overtime, not to mention that our job is much, much more dangerous” said Mahmoud Al-Blowupi in a brief interview.

Baffled Animal Behavior Prompts Early Spring

By Sergey

Animals disoriented by unusually warm weather

Armenian Meteorological Service announced signs of early spring in 2010. Scientists from the National  Weather Lab presented research of the weather for winter 2009-2010 which indicate early spring. Early on Monday, Chief Weatherman Garegin Minusyan shared findings of the Lab.

“You can clearly see it all on these photos made in Northern region of Armenia, as well as one made in downtown Yerevan in mid-January which clearly indicates the signs of quickly approaching spring”, said Minusyan introducing photos from the report.

Orange Offers Good Service but Pisses Catholicos Off

by Narek

Orange staff is not permitetd to eat Oranges

The third mobile operator is finally in Armenia, ready to kick those red commie Viva cell and those striped BeeLine (also pretty much commie) asses. Orange offers its customers an entirely new, even somewhat revolutionary for Armenia customer support system. From now on, whenever you call customer support, operators will not yell at you, call you an asshole or douchebag, and will even smile during the conversation.   Customer service has always been an issue in Armenia.

Հայաստանը նշում է երկնիշ տնտեսական աճի հիշատակի մեկամյա տարելիցը

By Sergey

Երկնիշ աճի վերջին րոպեների պատկերը

Այսօր լրանում է Հայաստանի տնտեսության լուսավոր էջերից մեկի` երջանկահիշատակ երկնիշ տնտեսական աճի անժամանակ հեռանալու մեկամյա տարեդարձը: Հիշեցնենք, որ 2001-ից սկսած  երկնիշ տնտեսական աճը` ավելի հայտնի որպես հայկական տնտեսական հրաշք, անցած տարվա այս օրը կաթվածահար վիճակում գտան Ֆինանսների նախարարության շենքի միջանցում և չնայած լավագույն կենտրոնական բանկի մասնագետների միջամտությանը, ոչ մի բան հնարավոր չեղավ անել այն վերակենդանացնելու համար: Երեք շաբաթ Կառավարության շենքում անցկացնելուց հետո, այն հայտարարվեց ավարտված, ինչից հետո սկսվեց աննախադեպ տնտեսական ճգնաժամ:

More Jews = Better Economy: New Government Anti-Crisis Strategy

By Sergey

 

'Economy is like a box of chocolates' Minister

Minister of Economy Nerses Yeritsyan unveiled Ministry plans to boost economy in 2010 by bringing large numbers of Jews into Armenia. This was presented as a part of large-scale action plan to reverse negative economic tendency caused by global economic crisis.

“Economy is like a box of chocolates,” Yeritsyan explained to reporters. “You never know what chocolate you’re gonna pick. We picked the free market chocolate and apparently it’s the kind of chocolate that leads to economic crisis. At least this is what our major experts argue,” concluded the minister.